A History of Awesome As Told By Hungary
by Say It Say My Name
Summary: WARNING! THIS IS NYOTALIA!... Hungary recalls the times she'd spent with Prussia since childhood, from the moment he first realized Prussia was a girl. Rated T for ridiculous language.
1. Part One

_Part One_

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><p>She was raised by men who didn't know how to raise a girl. These men were too young to know. They didn't yet have wives and couldn't remember their sisters. They were very nearly at the level of thinking that girls had cooties.<p>

I was very nearly at that level, too, but they pretended she was a boy, and so I thought she was a boy, like me. _She_ thought she could kick my ass.

She couldn't, and I pounded her... still thinking she was a boy.

She even looked like a boy. Short ash-blonde hair, always seemed to be scowling, pink and blue eyes... Strange attributes, yes. But not much stranger than the purple-eyed bitch she hated so much who lived right next door to me.

So I could beat her up - thinking back, that doesn't sound very good, does it? Haha... But sometimes, she rescued me, too. Probably just to see me when I was down, but I appreciated none the less. Even if she looked pretty lame doing it.

And then, one day, while we were climbing trees... I don't know how I knew... She was a girl in my mind. Definitely, undeniably a girl, and I told her so.

"You're a girl," I said.

It took her all of two somewhat cross-eyed seconds to process this. "So are you!" She stuck out her tongue, assuming I meant it as an insult.

"No, _really_. You're a girl. I bet you have breasts."

"I do not!" She jumped down from the tree, pulled out her sword (joy), and pointed at me. "Go ahead, say it again! Say I'm some un-awesome girl who can't kick your ass!"

"I never said any of that. Except that you're a girl. Which you are." Though she'd _never_ kicked my ass and her so called awesomeness was a result of her own imagination.

"I'm not!"

"You are."

"I'm not! Why do you think I am, anyway?" She waved her sword at me.

"I'm not sure... but you are."

"Don't you fuck with me," she said, frowning. She sheathed her sword and turned. "Dick. I don't wanna talk to you if you're just going to _insult_ mein awesomeness."

Dick... "Do you have one?"

"Do I have one _what_?" she shouted back, though not quitting her retreat.

"A dick!"

She snorted. "Ja, and it's five times longer than yours."

"Let me see it, then."

"Nein." She kept her hand on her sword when she turned back to face me. "It is too awesome for Ihre Augen. Said Augen would fall out of your head as soon as you were graced with something so simple as a view of the awesomeness that is my penis."

"You're lying, then."

"No I'm not."

"Liar."

"Not."

"Liar."

"Not."

"Liar."

"Leave me alone! Mein _gott_! It's like you _want_ me to be a girl, or something! Do you have a thing for me?" She paused. "I mean, obviously you do - who wouldn't, I'm awesome!"

"No, I was just saying that you're a girl." Her ego was not so attractive, even if she did sometimes manage to be... barf... _pretty_. And she kept using the word awesome. "That's all."

"You're wrong! I'm not." She poked herself in the chest but I didn't look down. "Check it out, I don't have breasts. This is all muscle."

I wasn't convinced for whatever reason, and she could tell I wasn't going to back down.

"I don't need to prove anything to you," she said, turning again.

"I don't need you to, Kisasszony A Német Lovagrend."

She paused to twitch, then thought better of it and kept going. Just before she was out of sight, however, she drew something from her boot and turned.

"Weren't you the one who told me I shouldn't insult my neighbors or they'd start fights with me? Do you really want to start a fight over something like this? Hm?" She thrusted the object at me; it was a small knife clearly intended for the purpose of throwing from that distance. I ducked it - barely. "Kisasszony _this_!"

She stopped talking to me for a long time after that. It was no loss. I didn't particularly care about her gender after a few months, and a few months after that, I wished I had thought to insult her masculinity earlier, if it would get her to leave me alone.


	2. Part Two

_Part 2_

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><p>Death, death, when would my troops come? Death, death, pain everywh- <em>her<em>?

"Ah, awesome solidarity..."

Yeah, that was her - her voice sounded like a woman's and she was ever affected by malapropism.

"You mean solitary. Hey!"

"Huh? Ack, the ghost of the makowiec I ate earlier's come back to haunt me!" There was a pause in which we both contemplated this, then she laughed at what I hoped was the ridiculousness of that statement.

"No, it ain't!" I took a deep breath, forcing myself to be louder. "Come this way, now, would you?"

She kicked a bush out of her way and stood in front of me. "Yo," I said.

"Damn! I was hoping for some damsel in distress. Just you, Hungary. Laaame... Wait, you look pretty shitty nonetheless! Hahaha, and _I'm_ a girl!" she said.

So she was still sore over that... well, I wanted her to fix me, or at least lead my men there quicker, so I didn't comment on that in particular. "Quiet, you. Weren't you the one who thought they were being haunted by a pastry just now?"

She stared at me a moment, perhaps some lucid check over, and she caught sight of my chest. "_Holy crap what's with that fucking huge gash_!"

It was nothing she needed to concern herself with, my men would have been there soon and... "I'm fine! Go awa- _ugghh_."

"Liiiarrr." She said, her face expressionless and terrifyingly blank. "Looks like I'll have to perform some really intimate medical care, hmm? That's what women do, _isn't it_?"

Well, I guess I didn't have to remind her, but now I wouldn't be able to use that as a means of getting her to go away. "You're annoying. You're really annoying, you know that? _Woman_." But I could try.

It didn't work. She just smirked and said, "How'd you get all those wounds, anyway? You look as bad as I once did."

At least she admitted she'd looked bad before.

"Wallachia is who I'll be blaming - little bitch - but most of it was from the Ottoman Bitch." Okay, now that gash was really starting to hurt. Maybe requesting assistance would make her go get me some help. "Wish someone would patch me up now."

I looked up when I heard a ripping noise. She was facing away from me, but once she turned around, it was clear from where she had torn her homemade bandages. She had ripped the entire front panel from her thigh down to her ankle where her dress...robe...thing hemmed. And I couldn't help myself not stare, rather dumbly, at her legs... and they removed all doubt of her being a girl.

"All right, this should be good! Take off your shirt!"

"Why the hell would you rip off that part of your clothes?" I demanded, folding my arms over my front and ripping my attention to a bush.

She held the makeshift bandages tightly and put on her favorite rapeface. "Because you're such a dear friend! Heheh... time to let my awesome healing powers do their stuff!"

Why did I ever pick a tree to rest against? Then again, I couldn't have run very far with this cut. "It's not that bad! Stay away from me! Go find my men!"

She dropped to her knees right in front of me, still wearing that creepy expression. It was hard not to believe she was a boy at that moment. I'd never seen a woman with such a scary face. But I knew better.

"Why are you so scared, hmm? I just wanna wrap up your injuries in my cloth!"

I grabbed her hands. I knew I was weakened, so she either wasn't trying very hard to fight me or she was much weaker than usual. "Don't mess with me!" I said. "Are you a moron, lady? No one wants their wounds wrapped up in that!"

Ow, ow, definitely just not trying very hard. She pushed my wrists just slightly past their natural alignment. "Come onnn, I just want to help you out. _Man to man_."

"Like hell you're gonna wrap me up in that! And get over the you're-a-girl thing already! It's not such a big deal! You're a freak either way!"

She snorted and pushed a little harder - luckily she realigned my wrists first. And I was insulting the person who was going get my men to fix me.

"Why don't you just stop resisting? You think I'll give you cooties or something? You're in luck, really. I can't give you any because _I'm not a woman_."

She was in denial. She knew. I pushed back and my arms visibly shook from exertion. That, and using both arms put a strain on my chest. I could feel blood running down my abdomen.

"Nagyhercegség Poroszország," I said. "Please go get my men before I bleed out."

That wasn't the response she was expecting, and she dropped the cloth to her lap and glared at it. "Sag, sag, sag, that's all I hear from you. Well you know what, you're pretty damn saggy too!"

I took a breath, closing my eyes, and when I opened them, she was rubbing her eyes furiously. I looked away.

"You did _not_ just look away from me! Hungary... I will _mutilate_ you instead of finding your men if you don't treat me with the same amount of respect you always did!"

In looking away, I missed the fact that she took her sword out. She rested it on the edge of my cut and I winced. She purposely pressed it there. "So-" I managed to gasp out. "So- you admit that I was right?"

She pressed harder. "Do you _know_ what I had to go through? What I still have to prove sometimes?"

"Haven't the slightest idea."

She was actually adding to my injury now. "They keep trying to tell me I can't fight, even though I prove, over and over again, how much they _aboslutely need me _to fight!" She exchanged her sword for a knife, similar to the one she'd thrown at me so many years ago, and proceeded to carve into my skin just above Ottoman Bitch's sword's mark.

"Stop, stop it!" She wasn't carving very deep but it still hurt like hell. It was going to leave a mark. I couldn't bring my hands up anymore to defend myself, though.

"Just be quiet. I'll be done soon, and I'll go get your vicking men."

I looked down, straining to see. She flicked my forehead with her free hand. This continued until she finished, and by finished, I meant with the carving. She wasn't done torturing me; she dragged her knuckles over her picture as hard as she could (more than enough to leave a long-lasting bruise).

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you clearly need some of my awesomeness. You know, Ottoman has never even _touched_ me. So next time she tries, you can show her my bird. Scare her right out of Europe."

She pulled off the blue top part of her dress despite (or perhaps in spite of) my protests and wrapped it around my middle. She left her own carving unwrapped, and as if patting a finished work, she tapped on her carving, eliciting a flinch from me.

"I don't wanna be remembered like this," she said.

"As a psychotic, sadistic crone? I can see where you'd dislike the portrayal."

She glared at me. "I don't care about the other stuff. _You_ don't even respect a girl as a fighter. Just keep pretending I'm a boy or I'll kick your ass. And you'll always have my bird to remember that statement by."

She stood abruptly and I struggled to follow. She frowned and pushed me back down, pushing, of course, on what must have been her bird - her new coat of arms, a black eagle.

"Bye," she said, walking away in what she thought was a manly fashion. She couldn't do that "swagger" she thought she did anymore; she had hips she wasn't bothering to adjust to.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

She ignored me, pointedly shoving her sword back in its sheath and returning her throwing knife to her shoe.

And that's when I remembered... She had been surrounded by men since birth, and wielding a sword and waving it in everyone else's faces almost as long. She didn't know _how_ to be a girl, and she had no one to teach her.


	3. Part Three

http: / / 5xawesomerthanyou. deviantart. com

Take out the above spaces and you will arrive at _her_ account. (Predictable username, yes?)

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><p><em>Part 3<em>

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><p>Several years and several unreal and somewhat traumatizing events later, I was forced to serve under Austria.<p>

That entailed marriage. She was all right. Kept to herself a lot, unless she was playing. Austria was a good musician. I swept, and Prussia visited whenever she thought Austria was out. (It was actually very rare for her to go on long outtings, so sometimes they started squabbling. Or really, she did the squabbling, and Austria tried to ignore her.)

"OY HUNGARY!" I heard one day whilst pretending to sweep dirt off the dirt pathway. Musicians may have their positive points, but they were such perfectionists at times. I turned to see Prussia, peeking around the corner of the house. She pouted when she saw me doing my utterly useless task. "I don't get you. You're the most mundane, domestic person I've ever met! Disgusting! Get rid of that girly broom and come hunting with me! Make your _wife_ do that crap! Huuuntinnng!"

"No," I said, feeling no need to explain my reasons further and turning back to my job.

She snuck up behind me and whispered, "Does she like my mark?" and put her hand over the carving she'd made. I cringed away from her touch.

"No one likes it," I said as coldly as I could manage.

She pursed her lips. She was getting really good at the pout.

"_I_ like it," she said. "And that's about _all_ I like about you!"

"Then go find someone who you can actually relate with to play games with."

In the span of what had to be a few blinks on her part, she clawed at her bird before pushing me forward and running back to the woods. I clutched at the spot she'd clawed - my only explanation was that she'd _let her nails grow out and filed them_. Just to do that.

Pink-and-blue-eyed bitch.

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><p>I don't know why she was so pissed about Austria's new empress. They were both girls. It seemed she had even started to accept the fact herself. She'd let her hair grow down to her shoulders, though most of the time, she still dressed and acted like a little boy.<p>

She sent Austria a letter. Something along the lines of "No female ruler unless you give us Silesia, and if you don't, we're invading anyway," but it wasn't very descriptive beyond that. Her allies seemed to be all female, too. France and Spain. Austria had England and Holland, so if Austria wasn't so weak, they would have been evenly matched.

Prussia... was ridiculously strong. She had been training, that much was clear. My people weren't exactly happy with Austria for other reasons at the time, so I couldn't help her, and there was no way I was allying with Prussia. I watched from my home.

So she fought Austria and won easily with a superior army and a superior strategist in the form of Friedrich II. They agreed on a cease-fire. But France, with Spain's help, and Bavaria continued to take territories, and Prussia didn't want to miss out on that. She ignored the cease-fire.

Austria's Empress came to me and my Diet.

We kept telling her that we weren't interested in helping. She came every day, already mourning the loss of her nation, with an infant son (reckless woman).

Finally we put a stop to it. I _was_ pissed at Prussia for carving her bird into my skin, so I might as well get payback while I had the chance. I agreed to send my army after Prussia which actually meant me, in her bedroom, threatening her with a spear.

She groped under her pillow for a weapon, but she wasn't fast enough; as I held my spear over her throat, she verbally relinquished Silesia grudgingly.

And then Russia appeared on the edge of Prussia's land and scared the shit out of her. She pretended to be buddies with Austria so that Russia would go home. They signed a treaty despite my disapproval.

Maria Theresa got it in her head that she should get revenge, particularly because, despite saying she'd give it back, Prussia still controlled Silesia. We had a meeting.

"We couldn't save Silesia."

We were stating the obvious to start out with.

"My vital regions," Austria said, barely frowning. She was such a stoic. She could be prancing through a field of flowers cuddling a puppy and have a blank expression.

"Stop saying it like that," Maria Theresa and I said.

"But even so, she'll be back. She has it out for you." And me, but she was closer. "Prussian scum..." I said a few other words that the two Austrians clearly disapproved of.

"Relax," said Austria. I grimaced.

Maria Theresa held out a letter to her. "I need your cooperation on this, Austria. Send this letter to France."

She took the letter and scanned it quickly. Then she handed it back. "No."

"I know you don't like her, but-"

"No. You know what our history is like. Dislike is a beat of a weak word. Loathe would be better. No. I'd rather be an English whore than ally myself with _her_."

"You'll be a Prussian whore if you don't." She sighed. "Hungary, do you mind holding her back?"

"My pleasure," I said, grabbing her arms.

"No!" She tried to pull away, toward the bird Maria Theresa was attaching the letter to. But I held fast.

"And also one to Russia," she said slowly, attaching another letter to another bird. I dropped Austria, and she collapsed to the floor.

"Oops. Your Majesty... Austria's kinda... not breathing."

...well, in the end, we got Silesia back. Prussia was outnumbered.


End file.
